So I have heard quite a bit of crap about how many lives have been ruineed at the hands of World of Warcraft, I’d post some links to articles like the guy who killed his friend because of a dispute over items or some shit, but hey, if you want the news go stick your head in a blender, maybe it’s there (courtesy to The Soup for giving me that joke). So, yeah, WoW kills people or something like that (or I’m sure it’ll devolve into that soon enough) so clearly I had to see waht all the hype is about; maybe I’ll even be murdered myself!
So yes, I clicked one of those “Experience the intensity” adds all over the place and began my journey by forking over all necessarry information to stalk me. After everything was installed I immediatly chose what I percieved to be the dorkiest named, most over-populated Role Playing server: Moon Feather. The game held my hand until it was time to make my own little virtual likeness of me; but something told me that wouldn’t be as fun, so I made a black guy with long hair named “Balsaque” and made his job to throw flaming testicles while bitching to the tank about how he’s supposed to follow the mage’s orders AND THE MAGE’S ORDERS ONLY. So it began: The Black Mage Balsaque on his quest for fame. (See what I did there?)
My first instinct was to pawn everythig but my ball-throwing hand and my twatting stick (Bent Staff) for copper, which was apparently very wise because no one ever touched me any ways so I’m guessing it was just for laughs that they gave me such a gay starting color. After burning a couple of Bambi’s roomies and selling any reward I got for doing that, I had graduated to level four at which point I had gotten bored and turned the game off. But then something strange happened: I went back. I knew it was boring, I knew that the glow of leveling up didn’t phase me and I know I could have much more fun throwing balls at other things, but I still went back.
And here’s why: you can macro /spit (it makes you spit) to a key. This being a roleplaying server, everybody who’s anybody has reached the level cap and is now trolling Goldshire (place after starting place) and is either dueling other trolls or dancing naked on the tables. This is what prompted a need for such efficient spitting; THIS IS WHAT PEOPLE ARE ADDICTED TO. Because dwarves are the WOW equevillant (oops I misspelled a word, guess I’m a leftist cunt now) to dirty poor people, and therefore do not deserve any of the weapons, armor, spells or BEARDS they own, they were my first targets. I began spitting with machine gun speed on a douchebag who was dueling with what looked like a purple version of my own Balsaque The Black Mage. This being an RP server, he did not directly insult me, instead told me to, “Aye, would ya kindly stop spittlin’ on me, maty?” I did not speak this filth’s language, but I knew it was a threat. I stopped and waited for him to make the first move; his beard stared into the blackness of my skin and his purple Balsaque (who was NOT a black mage) said, “I think he’s typing something.” By reflex, I fired. There has never been such a brutal barrage of spitting on dirty dwarves that I have seen, and I hope I never do. The immature bastards thought it a funny way to retort with a spamming of the duel option. All it does is bring up a little box that asks if you wanna duel, but I knew the real meaning behind it.
I retreated into the inn, where they had apparently laid a lag trap. After my computer recovered I realized that it was an army of dancing fauns that had tried to kill my computer. I let them revel in their failure, not making a physical move, but instead saying, “Quit dancing dickheads,” that struck a nerve, because I was lagged to death by ten fauns simultaniausly reporting me for something or something.
And that was it, I left to write this article. I figured I had enough material to make it funny. But really, all I learned from this experience is that 1) Dwarves are disgusting 2) Nerds are dwarves 3) I am neither 4) RP servers are really sad places and 5) all the cool kids play Finaly Fantasy XI.
I’m a level 15 Monk bitches.
Tags: 10 day trial, addiction, boring game, hate, murder, nerds, poor people, spit, stupid people, World of Warcraft
